I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Randomize
