Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Randomize
