Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
