you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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