1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
