Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
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