I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
