Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
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