I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Randomize
