Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
