tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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