Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
