This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
