My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
