I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
