hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
