Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
we're so committed to being not committed
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
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