Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
Randomize
