I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
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