dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Just invented taco cereal.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
