did you get engaged???
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Randomize
