I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
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