I'm sorry my penis didn't work
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
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