When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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