I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
