all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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