ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
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