Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
You need a sexual gate keeper
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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