he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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