life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
