That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
