also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Randomize
