Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
