God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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