If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
