watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
