I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
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