you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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