He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
