We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Randomize
