when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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