the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Randomize
