Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
