I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Randomize
