sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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