I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
