I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
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