One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
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Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
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The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
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