Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
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