Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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