Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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