Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Keanu Reeves Photobombed A Couple’s Wedding Photos As A Perfect Gift
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
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Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom