I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.