I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
