you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
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