my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
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The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
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I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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