found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I don't deserve a penis
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
