Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
