and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize
