You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
We have so much sex to catch up on
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Randomize
