I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
