Who did Billy Mays play for?
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Randomize
