rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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