You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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