I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
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