please come you make the beer taste better
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize
